The Government is Lying

It was Mutual

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Long-term relationships with beholders only work out about 40% of the time. In fact dating anyone from the Core Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual will most likely just lead to heartbreak. The sex isn't all that great anyway.

Evolution

Well I've figured out why we as Human Beings need to sleep.
To prevent us from going to Taco Bell. No matter what, every time you stay up till 2 am or so, you will ALWAYS crave Taco Bell. Sleep is just our natural defense against poor quality meat and genetically-altered corn tortillas.

Public Service Announcement

Alright, so I went to Taco Bell the other day. And I ordered one of those crunchwrap supremes, but then the cashier just says, "REAAAGGHHWWWKK." Which definitely raised an eyebrow, for me at least. But upon closer examination, it turned out the cashier wasn't a cashier at all. It was a Pterodactyl! I took some time trying to wrap my head around this, when it all suddenly dawned on me. I wasn't at Taco Bell at all. I was in the JURRASSIC PERIOD. So guys(and gals), next time you go to Taco Bell. Make sure you are actually walking into Taco Bell, not some other geologic era.

Does God Exist?

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Skittles

So I was ready to go to bed at around midnight last night. Completely exhausted, I could hardly keep my eyes open. But before I rested I decided to have a few skittles. After that I couldn't sleep until 6 am. I am now convinced that Skittles are the equivalent to methamphetamines. I may have been the first, but I surely won't be the last to realize this. It won't be long until you'll find people buying red dye #40 and will be caramelizing sugar in their kitchens; attempting to make homemade skittles (which is dangerous because they aren't chemists) and they will sell them to minors without shame.